My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
