i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
