Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
