its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
