So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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