if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
