he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
