So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
