Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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