im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
