My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
