Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
This is my gift to your gina
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
