if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
