fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
