So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
