I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize