awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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