my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
