eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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