that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
