I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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