It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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