I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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