fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my mouth tastes like poor choices
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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