I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
