He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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