So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
