people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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