Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Randomize
