If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We got so high we made milksteak
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
