you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
