why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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