Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize