FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
