I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
