he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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