Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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