After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
