You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
