Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
