Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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