Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
