I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
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