Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize