she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we're making bets on your personal life
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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