alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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