If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize