Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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