when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
