Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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