I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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