Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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