Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
