Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
