Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
should my penis look like a turkey
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
