The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
