Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
