This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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