I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
