I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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