I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
