i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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