i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
