If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
