she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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