So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
